Chaos in and out of the Jungle: non-Tourist Thailand Trek

[CosmicNomad]

I just came back from me jungle trek last night. It was one of the best experiences of my life. My guide "Wood," was an ex Thai special forces commando on the Myanmar border and had great stories about killing rebels. Apart from his past and battle scars, he is a very zen like peaceful person. This isn't to say he's not a natural born killer. We hunted, trapped and gathered many things from the jungle. Tarantula, crickets, cobra, chicken, hog, frog, figs, herbs. He showed us how to make traps, hunt, make curry from banana plants, and find water anywhere. We illegally bought explosives on the way in and blew up a bee hive to try to get the honey comb but we ended up just obliterating it and getting chased allot of deadly wai bees (only ten can kill you). We spent allot of the time flicking off leeches while bushwhacking through the jungle with machetes. We brought big illegal homemade guns with us. I have very good marksmanship despite my inexperience. I made friends with a hill tribe boy who taught me how to speak his language.I was the only one who spent anytime hanging out with the locals. He made me a matching friendship bracelet with an arrow from things in the jungle. He also made me huge spliff looking banana leaf cigarettes with local tobacco and jungle herbs to keep away the mosquitoes. Every time he rolled he sung "no woman no cry." We went hunting together and killed a cobra with my kabar knife. There was a doofy 50 year old American guy that kept complaining the whole time about everything (more than the other gringos) that kept trying to get me to machete fight him. Our guide peacefully and strategically calmed him down though with his stories and showing of knife wounds. The other travelers were cool but I was the only one who could keep up with the tribal people when we were traveling. I really miss the jungle. If I had to live anywhere forever, I would have to say it the most feasible for quality of life. Wood and I might go back into the jungle for a few days alone so that I can learn more about survival, hunting and trapping. He knowledge is incredible. You can point to anything and he can he can tell you its name in Thai, English, if its edible, medicinal, and dangerous look alikes. He made a really cool bong for a German kid out of bamboo in about a minute with his machete. I'm in Chiang Mai hanging out with traveler friends I left behind before my trek and making new ones. Wood got me a huge bottle of Moonshine whiskey made from rice and chillies for 50 baht(the locals pay 300 baht!) and we've all been drunks hanging out late night in reggae clubs and causing chaos. There was a shooting on my street a night ago so its a little tense. The New Yorker girl is thankfully gone. She was driving everyone crazy. She had some pretty cool stories about being a Mexican drug mule and sticking huge bags of heroin and cocaine up her vagina and ass and jumping on planes. She had much less cool ones about jerking off a 9 year old boy in South America, fucking a dead body and all kinds of animals. She got her period while drunk and ran around asking people to check her dry blood on her bottom out(bruised from falling drunk in alleys at night). As you can imagine, she's something of an atention freak. Her old boyfriend and his brother got 8 million dollars each from Volvo years ago because their parents died from vehicular default. They blew all their money on running around the world buying huge amounts of drugs for personal use and through big parties in mansions. I will post my itinerary as soon as it comes to fruition. Hope you are all doing well. Thank you very much for all the inqusitive and supportive emails. It realy means allot to me that many of you are reading. That New York woman just came back. haha. I'm new on digihitch so I can't add links yet. For my blog with the complete story and picture of this amazing trek, please google search: "Alex Kleinman Blogspot." Thanks for reading. Safe travels ya'll!

[Rafael]

that sounds like quite a time

[RangerChris]

Wood is definately the man to teach you jungle survival, id wager he does do mercenary work on the side. Wicked adventure bro